Evil Stan™: May 2014

Evil Stan™’s Guide to Chopping Onions Without Tears

The key to chopping onions without tears is to leave your finger-tips intact. Evil Stan™ has lost two fingers, a toe, and part of a gall bladder to onion chopping. Many tears have resulted. You can avoid this whole bloody mess if you remember three simple rules:

1. Use a sharp knife – the sharper the better: This may sound counter-intuitive, but a sharp knife causes less pain than a dull knife if an appendage should be inadvertently severed. Trust me, I know this. Fewer tears will result.

2. Delegate the onion-chopping duties to someone with more experience than you or has expendable appendages. This will result in fewer tears.

3. If a severed finger should result, save the severed portion in a small plastic bag and place it in the freezer for reattachment at a future date. (But, let us be honest: No doctor is going to waste their time reattaching the severed fingertip of a douchebag like you.)

Thousands of Americans lose their fingertips to onion chopping every year. (Evil Stan™ is the only person ever to lose a gall bladder to onion chopping.) Do not become a statistic.

Save yourself the tears.

Evil Stan™
evilstan.blogspot.com