Sunday, November 23, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Movie Review from Hell: "Guardians of the Galaxy"
Evil Stan™ does not know the meaning of “fun,” but Marvel does. From the first
scene - which features a Walkman from 1988 playing 70’s pop hits from a
cassette tape labeled “Awesome Mix Vol. 1” - you know this is not going to be
your average, run-of-the-mill space/adventure/cyber-rodent comedy.
Moral of the story #1: In outer space, the hot chicks are always green. Always.
Moral of the story #2: The influence of Kevin Bacon extends throughout the known universe.
Moral of the story #3: When a buff fellow by the name of “Drax the Destroyer” says, “Do not ever call me a thesaurus,” just nod and say “okey dokey, sir.”
Moral of the story #1: In outer space, the hot chicks are always green. Always.
Moral of the story #2: The influence of Kevin Bacon extends throughout the known universe.
Moral of the story #3: When a buff fellow by the name of “Drax the Destroyer” says, “Do not ever call me a thesaurus,” just nod and say “okey dokey, sir.”
Moral of the story #4: When an unusually verbose rat asks you to steal the prosthetic leg from a prison-planet felon as part of an ill-conceived escape plan, save yourself a little heartache and ask "WHY?" first.
Moral of the story #5: Speaking of plans, if you do not have a full plan in mind, 12% of a plan will do in a pinch.
Moral of the story #6: Yes, you can get tender cinematic moments from a walking tree.
Moral of the story #7: Do not get in the way of a boy and his Walkman. Ever.
With a healthy dose of clever one-liners, over-the-top characters, and technical wizardry obviously stolen from the labs of Evil Stan, Inc., “Guardians of the Galaxy” is a triumph of summertime entertainment. If you are into that sort of thing.
And Evil Stan™ still does not know the meaning of “fun.”
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Movie Review from Hell: "Noah"
Movie Review from Hell: "Noah"
Without a hint of sarcasm I must state for the record that I preferred the book. And, of course, the book was not known as a real page-turner.
Was this movie true to the original myth? Well, let's see: there was a man chosen by God, his family, a big boat, a flood, and a lot of dead people. But this is where all similarities end. Insert magic, new characters, odd story lines, and a bizarre race of igneous Transformers and it is no wonder that is was panned by the religious community. But it also included an out-of-place nod to evolution (which I appreciated) but it was not enough to save this waterlogged movie.
It was sorta like starting with the biblical story of the "Ten Commandments" and ending up with "Terminator II."
I could go on but I have already wasted too much of my evening on this fiasco. Perhaps I will cap off the day by having my abdomen biopsied.
~Evil Stan™
Was this movie true to the original myth? Well, let's see: there was a man chosen by God, his family, a big boat, a flood, and a lot of dead people. But this is where all similarities end. Insert magic, new characters, odd story lines, and a bizarre race of igneous Transformers and it is no wonder that is was panned by the religious community. But it also included an out-of-place nod to evolution (which I appreciated) but it was not enough to save this waterlogged movie.
It was sorta like starting with the biblical story of the "Ten Commandments" and ending up with "Terminator II."
I could go on but I have already wasted too much of my evening on this fiasco. Perhaps I will cap off the day by having my abdomen biopsied.
~Evil Stan™
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Monday, June 2, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Evil Stan™’s Guide to Chopping Onions Without Tears
The key to chopping onions without tears is to leave your finger-tips intact. Evil Stan™ has lost two fingers, a toe, and part of a gall bladder to onion chopping. Many tears have resulted. You can avoid this whole bloody mess if you remember three simple rules:
1. Use a sharp knife – the sharper the better: This may sound counter-intuitive, but a sharp knife causes less pain than a dull knife if an appendage should be inadvertently severed. Trust me, I know this. Fewer tears will result.
2. Delegate the onion-chopping duties to someone with more experience than you or has expendable appendages. This will result in fewer tears.
3. If a severed finger should result, save the severed portion in a small plastic bag and place it in the freezer for reattachment at a future date. (But, let us be honest: No doctor is going to waste their time reattaching the severed fingertip of a douchebag like you.)
Thousands of Americans lose their fingertips to onion chopping every year. (Evil Stan™ is the only person ever to lose a gall bladder to onion chopping.) Do not become a statistic.
Save yourself the tears.
Evil Stan™
evilstan.blogspot.com
Movie Review from Hell: "Saving Mr. Banks"
Movie Review from Hell: "Saving Mr. Banks"
Who knew there was so much drama behind Disney's "Mary Poppins"? Pamela Travers was a bitch-author from Hades and should have been tossed head-first into a muddy pond to gargle diluted fish excrement.
Evil Stan™ sobbed like a baby minion through most of the flick. (Never let it be said that Evil Stan™ is not a sensitive megalomaniac.) Damn those sentimental cinematic moments! Damn them to Hell!
"Saving Mr. Banks" is a fantastic and engaging movie if you are into that sorta thing. Evil Stan™ is not. A "spoon full of sugar" is about 2 grams of sweetness too much. ~Evil Stan™
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Saturday, April 26, 2014
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